Real Women Have... Bodies, or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying about the Patriarchy and Love my Body

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If you follow feminist-y things on the internet, you've probably seen this meme floating around. It originated from the facebook group "No Hope for the Human Race," and has been pissing people off in a big way. This kind of image is not really surprising. We all know the stereotype about feminists and how we are all fat, ugly man-haters.

shame away

Pfft. Whatever.

That is not the aspect of this image I want to talk about today. I want to talk about body image, the male gaze, and the outrageous standards of female beauty that we all eat up like so much (low-fat, sugar-free) candy.

The awesome feminist group One Million Vaginas posted this image to their facebook page earlier in the week. The comment thread was mind blowing. It's truly amazing how many people feel free to post either gross fat-shaming, uninformed "concern trolling" health related bologna, or just generally mean-spirited comments in a pro-feminist, pro-body-acceptance forum. However, one comment really affected me and stuck with me: 

Oh. My. Word. There were so many more such comments, and not just from plus-sized ladies. Women with a whole lot of different shapes wrote about their experiences feeling shamed because of their bodies. Whether you are fat or skinny or somewhere in between, there is someone out there just waiting for the opportunity to tell you that you're body just doesn't cut it. You're too fat, you should eat less or no one will ever want you. Ugh, she's a total butterface. Your body is okay, but you're sooooo flat-chested. She's too skinny, I like a woman with a little meat on her bones.

I think she's gorgeous too, but you see my point.

AHHHHHHH!!! It never stops. No matter how your body looks, it's never good enough. There is always something to hate. Something to change. Something to work on. Well, ladies and sirs of all shapes and sizes, I invite you to take a step back, look at where this fucked up notion of body-shaming came from, and just say:

Just so that we are all on the same page, let's start with a few numbers:

In Gendered Lives, Julia T. Wood compiles some really troubling statistics about gender and body image from several polls and studies conducted in the early 2000s. 87% of American men report being "very or somewhat satisfied with their appearance," AND even those men who aren't happy with their bodies (in overwhelming numbers) seldom report that negative body-image affects their overall sense of self-worth in terms of competence and value.

Sadly this is not true for women. According to almost all of the studies cited, "for women, dislike of their bodies often affects overall self-esteem... [and] concern about weight starts early." At age 5, most girls surveyed express negative self-images based on weight, at least 40% of fourth grade girls diet, and on average 25% of girls and women in the United States are dieting at any given time. Please keep in mind that this 25% does NOT include the more than 5 million people, the vast majority of whom are women and girls, who are suffering from diagnosed eating disorders. (All this information can be found on pages 141-143 if you're interested).

I feel you, girl. I'm not impressed either. This is BEYOND fucked up, and we have been buying into it and letting it continue for far too long. If only there was some way, some movement or something, to combat this assault against women's self esteem. 

What's that? It's a bird! It's a plane! Oh... look! It's <da, da, dummm> FEMINISM!!!! Hooray!

This is a topic that feminists have been pissed off about for years, you guys. Not only is the topic of body-image/body-shaming an excellent example of the way feminism is relevant to our lives as grrly girls, it is an even better example of how we NEED feminism to unpack issues like these that seem so embedded in our culture that we don't even know how they got there in the first place. 

For starters, a whole bunch of really smart feminists have been talking about this thing called The Male Gaze for a long time now. Basically, the term "Male Gaze" comes from Laura Mulvey, a feminist film theorist, who (in an essay called "Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema") explained that because the camera is positioned for and from the perspective of the normative male audience, women are most often "possessed by" and not "possessors of" the social gaze. This process disenfranchises women because it reduces them to passive OBJECTS of the gaze instead of active SUBJECTS of their own reality. (If you think that you would understand this concept better if a dinosaur explained it to you, you are in luck. Just check out this Dinosaur Comic.) Even though this started out as just film theory, in the years since 1975, many other super smart feminists have expanded this notion and applied to a much wider range of female experiences including cat-calling, females in public (and frequently powerful) positions, and the self-perception of body and individual value. 

So, basically, here's the deal. Because (as laid down by one of my all-time favorite feminists Simone de Beauvoir) in our society masculinity/men are constructed as the norm against which femininity/women stand as the Other, women are always constructed as an object existing within the realm of the male subject. This means that women, in order to seek social value and validation, constantly try to live up to demand of physical attractiveness and desirability set by the Male Gaze. You see, it's not that women are oppressed every time any man looks at them, or that women are only trying to be attractive to men. In fact, The Male Gaze doesn't REALLY refer to any specific man looking at any specific woman. It simply refers to the dominant social force controlling the standard of beauty for women. This social force is characterized as male because of the traditional construction of society within the framework of the masculine/feminine binary. One of the women surveyed by Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner for her amazing book The F Word says it best: "In our efforts to become the woman 'every man wants' and what we think we want ourselves to be, we are killing ourselves," (68). 

Grrls, we are completely surrounded.

Our desire to fit into this acceptable physical form of femininity is hard-wired into us from infancy. Julia Wood cites several surveys and studies comparing the way in which parents describe male and female infants of equal size, weight, and level of activity. Almost invariably, the male babies are described as, "strong, hardy, big, active," while the female babies are described as, "pretty, small, dainty, delicate," (155). Our clothes (and the stores in which we buy them) feed into this too. Wood points out that now and for the past, oh... FEW HUNDRED YEARS men's clothing tends to fit loosely and provide for activity and independent movement while women's clothing, "is designed to call attention to women's bodies and make them maximally attractive to viewers," (134). Wood reminds us that women are further exposed to these unrealistic standards of beauty when they enter retail stores because of the smaller-than-average mannequins (sized, on average, as a 2, 4, or 6) and very attractive female sales associates (she cites examples ranging from L'Oreal to Abercrombie and Fitch of openly basing hiring decisions on physical appearance). When we give little girls dolls and dress up kits, while their brothers play with trucks and blocks, we are telling them that boys build and do, while girls should tend to physical appearance and that clothes and accessories are important (163).

This picture makes me want to punch a whole bunch of somebodies (source)

Even though we CAN apply the notion of the male gaze to most everything that we do with our bodies, ladies, I gotta say: the media is the biggest offender. Mostly because it's everywhere we go. More than 98% of American homes contain at least one television (2/3 of which have cable and 4/5 of which are connected to a DVD player or streaming device); Kids aged 2-7 spend an average of 3.5 or more hours per day with some form of media; at age 6, the average American child has watched more than 5,000 hours of TV, and by age 18 that number jumps to 19,000 hours. Wood explains, "From newspapers to MTV, media shape  our understanding of gender," by providing us with, "models of what it means to be male or female," (233). Though there are a few exceptions to this rule, if women are to be taken seriously as characters, they must be very attractive, slender, and young, and they are almost always sexualized in some way. 

Take a wild guess as to which women from the movie Bridesmaids is the socially awkward one who no one initially wanted to invite to the party or, actually, socialize with at all. (Hint- it's the fat one)

The images of women offered by the media don't leave much to interpretation: pretty women are valuable, lovable, and have individual and social worth. Ugly (and especially fat) women do not, though they can be hilarious fuck ups or caricatures so ridiculous and buffoonish that no one could possibly identify with or emotionally connect to them. As my grrl Julia Wood preaches: "media repeat the cultural view of women as dependent, ornamental objects who exist to look good, please men, care for children, be sexually desirable and available," (237). 

Advertisements are just as heinous as movies and television shows in this regard. "Whereas men are seldom pictured nude or even partially unclothed, women habitually are... advertisements for make-up, cologne, shampoo, and clothes often show women attracting men because they used the products to make themselves irresistible," (Wood, 244). Don't believe me? Take a look at these two commercials, both of which are currently airing. 

There is a lot of face-palm in this commercial. Let's not even talk about the use of that awesome T-Rex song in dumb context and jump right into to feminist-y stuff: women are casually sexualized and objectified. This car is so amazing that it made all those hot colonial women rip off their clothes and become modern girls dressed in slutty Halloween costumes. They aren't trying to get you to buy into the car, they want you to buy into the notion that hot women will be turned on by it, or to associate this kind of car with the exposed idealized female form. This kind of objectification of the female body is so common that while you probably thought "What a dumb commercial," when you first saw it, and maybe even thought, "I wonder what half-naked colonial hotties have to do with Fiats?", you probably didn't think it was funny or especially demeaning.

Now, let's think about that Fiat commercial in the context of this commercial for (I wish it was less stereotypical): salad dressing.

It's a joke. Get it? We are so unfamiliar with the male body being objectified for the purpose of selling products that when it happens, we can't help but to see it as tongue and cheek. It's cute. It's funny. It's not serious. It's so overtly sexual that it loses all sexuality. Ultimately, it plays against the undercurrent of female body objectification to which we have become nearly immune to get a laugh and hopefully get consumers to connect their product more with that positive feeling than with the image of the sexualized "Zesty Man." 

Okay, okay. I hear a few grumbles from the back. Some of you are probably thinking, "We know the difference between fiction and reality. We know how unrealistic most media portrayals of women are. Seriously, does anybody ACTUALLY think these representations influence body-image for regular people?" Well, I hate to say it, but the answer is a big ole yes. Numerous studies have proven that unrealistic media representations of feminine beauty have a direct impact on self-perception, behavior, and individual values. One particularly compelling example of this occurred in Fiji in the 1990s. Despite the tradition of valuing heavier body-types as more attractive, when American television shows (specifically Beverly Hills, 90210) began to be broadcast in Fiji, an enormous number of young women began dieting and many women developed eating disorders (both of which were previously uncommon). Many young women from Fiji identified hyper-thin characters from the TV shows as their model when questioned about their new-found interested in weight-loss. 

This is dangerous. Movies, television shows, and especially advertisements tell us that normal bodies are unacceptable and encourage us to devalue the bodies we have and buy products to "fix" all the problems that make us feel unattractive. Whether it's weight loss pills, diet plans, wrinkle cream, hair dye, or wonderbras, women are spending billions of dollars in the battle against their bodies. Wood reminds us of one shocking example of this: In the 1960's when slim, angular bodies were considered beautiful, there was a spike in breast reduction surgeries. In the 1980's, larger breasts became the standard of beauty and breast augmentations rapidly increased in number. At this point, 80% of breast augmentations are for cosmetic reasons (and not reconstructive etc.). Furthermore, one in five college-aged women currently admit to eating less than is necessary to meet daily nutritional needs. These women cite "wanting to look like fashion models and actresses" as their motivations for placing such severe restrictions on their caloric intake (253).

Holy shit, ladies and gentlemen. This is messed up. And we have to stop buying into it. We have to stop looking at unrealistic images of female beauty and imagining that it reflects a lack in ourselves. We have to stop using the Male Gaze as the yardstick against which we determine our own worth. We have to stop talking shit to ourselves, calling ourselves too fat or too skinny or ugly or flat-chested or big-nosed or any other insult we can lob at ourselves. 

We have to stop because it's wrong. We have stop because we all have value, whether or not our bodies are considered "beautiful." We have to stop because social constructions of beauty are fiction and they are ever-changing. They are unattainable, and no matter how far we run, we will never catch them. But we also have to stop because body-shaming is just one more tool that the patriarchy uses to keep us in our place. As Rowe-Finkbeiner reminds us, "If young women are distracted by body image, and also if their self-esteem suffers in that struggle, then they are less likely to be advocates," (72).

So let's wear whatever the hell makes us happy. Let's look in the mirror and think, "Fuck Yeah!" (or at least "okay!"). Let's stop calling each other fat or ugly or skin and bones and start lifting each other up. Let's start laughing at commercials that demean and objectify women, instead of internalizing their messages that we are not yet good enough. We are here. We look the way we do, and that's a-okay. 

Let's no longer accept the shame and insecurity we've been made to feel as a reason NOT to speak out. Let's no longer accept messages like the one expressed by that first meme (of the grrl holding a "This is what a feminist looks like" sign) that physical appearance is an appropriate way to discuss (and demean) fellow feminists. Let's give the patriarchy the bird and mean it.

You're awesome, grrl. So, be happy, be healthy, and ignore any ass-hats that try to tell you otherwise.

"I'm Not a Feminist, but...": Conflicting (?) Notions of Feminism and Femininity

Grrls, we need to talk. 

I don't know if you've noticed, but we've got a serious problem on our hands. I don't know whose fault this is, or even where it began, but something has gone terribly, terribly wrong. Brace yourselves, what I have to say is not pretty. 

<dramatic pause>

The majority of American women don't consider themselves feminists. 

Here is where I found this image.

I know, I know. I'm upset too. Don't worry, though, we are going to figure this out together. Let's start by taking a deep breath and looking at some numbers. According to a recent HuffPost/YouGov poll, 5% of women consider themselves "a strong feminist," and 18% considers themselves "a feminist." (Interestingly enough, 7% of men polled identified as "a strong feminist." Nicely done, sirs.)

What the fuck, ladies? What the hell is going with the 77% of women who are not feminists? It seems crazy. I mean, there is no way that the majority of U.S. women actually think that women should be second class citizens, right? RIGHT?! Well, grrls, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that no, it seems that the majority of women DO agree that women and men should have equal social, political, and economic rights. The bad news is that women (and men too) no longer see this as what it means to be a feminist. 

Does anybody else remember this? 

What about this cringe-inducing moment brought to us courtesy of Taylor Swift? In case you missed it, an interviewer asked Ms. Swift if she is a feminist and her response sent palms flying into faces across the nation:  "I don't really think about things as guys versus girls. I never have. I was raised by parents who brought me up to think if you work as hard as guys, you can go far in life." 

Okay, so maybe we shouldn't be too surprised by these comments, considering that they come from two women who have made more money than I will ever have in my life singing things like:

 "I wanna be a flower/ Not a dirty weed/ I wanna smell like roses/ Not a baseball team/ And I swear maybe one day you're gonna/ Wanna make out, make out, make out with me" (Katy Perry)

and,

"You change your mind/ Like a girl changes clothes/ Yeah, you PMS/ Like a bitch/ I would know," (Katy Perry)

and, (who could forget this timeless slut-shaming classic, loved by little girls everywhere)

"She's not a saint/ And she's not what you think/ She's an actress, whoa/ She's better known/ For the things/ that she does/ On the mattress, whoa" (Taylor Swift)

BTW, you should check out FeministTaylorSwift on twitter. It's pretty fantastic.

Don't misunderstand, it sucks that two powerful, successful young women chose to publicly decline a feminist identity, it's just not all that surprising considering the content of their lyrics. The thing that bugs me the most about this is that both women denied being feminists immediately before saying something that smells more than a little bit feministy. Even though Taylor seems a little confused about what feminism means (it's NOT "guys versus girls" for the record), the sentiment that success should be contingent upon effort and not gender identity is a pretty solidly feminist statement. 

These kind of I'm-not-a-feminist-but-I-think-like-one statements are something that I have seen normal, every-day, not-internationally-famous women do over and over again. On the first day of a Sociology of Gender class at my public university, the professor asked who in the class of 30-something mostly female college students considered themselves a feminist. ONLY TWO PEOPLE RAISED THEIR HANDS! I can't tell you how many times I have heard an otherwise intelligent, independent, and accomplished woman say, "Well, I wouldn't consider myself a feminist, but..." before uttering an entirely feminist statement (such as, "women should be paid equally for doing the same jobs as men," or "sexual harassment is unacceptable.") 

Credit where credit is due

One such woman is Daisy Barringer, a seemingly very intelligent woman who wrote a piece on xojane called "Taylor Swift doesn't Identify as a Feminist and Neither Do I," in which she claims, "I believe in equal political, economical and social rights for women and I wholly support the feminist movement, I just personally don’t define myself as such." She goes on to explain that she doesn't identify as feminist because (1) "At times, feminists come across as angry," (2) "Many feminists come across as self-righteous," (3) "I feel a lot of times like the current feminist movement excludes minorities," (4) "I don’t always believe that women are at a disadvantage," and (5) "I’m not sure that I believe that the “oppression” of women is the fault of men." 

Feel free to shame the idiots responsible for this image.

I have to admit that her criticism about mainstream feminism failing to be inclusive of minorities is completely legit. It's a problem, and we, as feminists and just as decent human beings, need to address it and make serious changes. However, dismissing feminism altogether isn't going to make it any better. And let's face it, all her other reasons are either complete bullshit (as in factually inaccurate) or just plain stupid. By claiming that she can't be a feminist because she doesn't like the connotations attributed to the word by misogynists, anti-feminist assholes, and widespread ignorance, she is affirming the validity of these statements and undermining the tremendous gains achieved by feminists throughout history and in the modern world. 

But, grrls, don't start to gather up the tar and feathers just yet. You see, I hate to say it, but it seems that Daisy is closer to the rule than the exception. On policymic.com, Brittany Oliver tells it like it is: "Feminists are often stereotyped as hairy-pitted activists who hate men, love women too much, are physically incapable of humor and probably don’t wear bras." Ouch! I don't love it, but it's true. HuffPost agrees: "The gulf between the percentage of people who identify as feminists and the percentage who believe in the equality of the sexes may be partly due to a branding problem for the word "feminism." Thirty-seven percent said they consider "feminist" to be a negative term, compared to only 26 percent who consider it a positive term. Twenty-nine percent said it's a neutral term."

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 Holy shit, ladies! It seems we have a real image problem on our hands here. Feminism has become a dirty word, synonymous with bitchy, aggressive, asexual, dyke, whiner, ugly, etc, etc. The modern social connotation of feminism is at odds with western culture’s archetype of idealized femininity. Because gender identity is a fundamental, if not defining, feature of our social and cultural structures, claiming a feminist identity poses an enormous risk for women. For Katy Perry and Taylor Swift and all the women who didn't raise their hands on our first day of class, to identify as a feminist implies that you embody all of those awful stereotypes, that you are unattractive and pushy. In an amazing article from everydayfeminism.com, Patricia Valoy explains her hesitation to identity as feminist as a young woman: "The truth is: I simply didn't understand what feminism was about, let alone how freeing it could be. I had misconceptions that feminism was about usurping men’s power and dominating them...I wanted to be free of constraining gender roles, of course...but I also wanted to be liked." In other words, for many women, identifying as a feminist (or failure to do so) is largely a personally, and not a politically, motivated decision. Furthermore, many western women both engage in and often thoroughly enjoy daily practices that seem at odds with the modern cultural connotation of feminism such as wearing pretty dresses, being the little spoon, and watching "girly" movies and television. As a result of this schism between the individual experiences and preferences of women who believe in gender equality and the man-hating, hairy-legged, Amazonian stereotype of feminism, many women feel further alienated from the feminist ideology of empowerment and equality.

Here's where this came from

It's no wonder that 77% of women do not identify as feminist, yet 82% of those polled said "yes" when asked, "Do you believe that men and women should be social, political, and economic equals?" Even though a large portion of young western women personally believe in the tenets of feminism, they seldom self-identify as ‘feminist’ because of the apparent contradictions between the connotative meaning of feminism in modern western culture and their lived experiences, both in their gendered roles within the larger (macro) community and their individual (micro) habits and practices. When this essentially feminine identity comes into conflict with the feminist ideology accepted by 82% of women, many women choose not to take the risk and simply say “Well, I’m not really a feminist, but…”

This lives here

This shit has got to stop. Seriously. Enough is enough. We MUST stop imagining that femininity and feminism are mutually exclusive. First of all, it's just plain wrong. But don't just take my word for it. Look it up in the dictionary. Meriam-Webster defines feminism as: "the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes." Brittany Oliver (the grrl who wrote the exceptional piece from policymic.com) agrees: "In fact, being a feminist simply means you are an advocate of the rights and equality of women. You don’t have to be anti-man to be pro-woman." Our grrl Patricia Valoy (author of the beautiful essay from everydayfeminist.com) takes it a step further: "More important than saying 'I am a feminist!' is doing the work necessary for women’s progress, and that is that what truly makes us feminists. And I don’t see anything scary about that." Being a feminist doesn't mean anything more than that you believe that there should be equality between the sexes. That's all. It's okay not agree with everything every feminist says and does. It's okay to be a feminist and wear make-up. It is only by exploring of the role of feminism in our daily lives, whether or not we identity as feminine, that we can empower ourselves and embrace our true, and full, identities as both women and human beings.

This is from here

Another important reason to stop this whole "I'm not a feminist, but..." nonsense is that this phenomenon is actually a little piece of a much larger and more damaging process. Mary Elizabeth Williams explains this really well in this really great article she wrote on Salon.com:

"You can call yourself or not call 

yourself whatever you want, 

but consider this. Nobody enjoys it more 

when a woman says she’s not a

 feminist than a misogynist. Nobody gets more

 gloatingly self-congratulatory 

about it, or happier about what 'real' women

 don’t need than someone who doesn't 

like women very much, especially not the 

uppity, outspoken, wanting pay equity 

and reproductive freedom types. 

Consider that any word that feared and 

derided has incredible power. 

And how beautiful and strong that makes it."

Feminism is the coming together of women to demand and protect our equality. Feminism has done many wonderful things for us throughout history, from securing female suffrage to gaining protection for victims of domestic violence, and will continue to do wonderful things for women all over the world if we just allow it. When we allow external, historically oppressive social structures (aka the patriarchy) to tell us that being a part of this movement is not okay, is somehow shameful, we lose our collective power. Calling yourself a feminist is a powerful, powerful thing because it connects you to an enormous community of women. Though we may not always agree on every detail, and we are not without our flaws both as individuals and as a movement, we have power, we make stuff happen, and we are all working towards the same goal at our core: equality, respect, and autonomy for all people, regardless of their sex. Lend your voice to the chorus of countless women demanding to be heard, to be respected, to be treated as human beings. I promise you won't regret it.

Okay, ladies, let's say it all together now: "I am a feminist." Didn't that feel good?